i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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