i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
