I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
