There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
