i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
