i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
These tits shall not be calmed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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