I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
