Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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