Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
