I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize