once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
