can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
