They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
sarcasm needs its own font
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
