if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
