my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
