I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize