Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
