2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
