I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
