Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
