if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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