im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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