dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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