the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
