He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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