brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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