WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
