I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
