Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
