The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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