I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
