You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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