do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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