I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
