It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
