I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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