Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
