Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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