Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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