u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
