I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
