did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I cockslap morals
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
