My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
