if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize