i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
