my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
