how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
