I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
