Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
