I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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