I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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