DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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