I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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