She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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