there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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