Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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