dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
