I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
