Me. At least after what I've been through.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
